When we associate any naturally connective behavior with pain, emotional or physical, we quickly learn to keep ourselves safe (aka "Survive") in the only ways that children can (absent a parent/other who teaches them helpful, age-appropriate coping skills): Hide; Don't share, or show, my bids for connection: my emotions, my interests, my pain, my wants, my desires... who I am.

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              Most adults have brought what kept them safe as a child into their adulthood and, quite often, they only show these defenses, unconsciously of course, when a relationship settles into its journey.  Even if you've never been the source of pain, the unconscious, childhood fears for their existential survival that became deep drivers of behaviors as an adult, can cause your partner to actively push you away, simply hold a distance or you feel like no matter what you do, you can't break through their wall and can't seem to change even when you tell them what you feel is happening. The odd thing is that they feel that they can never quite reach you either... as though they are reaching out their hand toward yours, fingers extended but there is always just an inch of space between you no matter how much they may want it. And then, in pain and shame, they give up - settling into what they've always known as a very lonely "comfortable," safe place; Distance.